Ok.  So, I’m not a food snob.  I eat a lot of stuff, and to prove it, I decided that I’m going to review stuff that no sane person would ever bother with.  Starting, apparently, with frozen pizza.

I love pizza.  Let’s get that out of the way.  So much so, that I’m going to go out on a limb and say that I might love pizza more than anyone you’ve ever known.  I’ve eaten pizza in Ireland, England, New York, Chicago, Seattle, Orlando, Kansas City….well, you get the idea.  Nom Nom— is what I’m trying to say.  But let’s focus on a certain place where we all have pizza once in a while– at home.

The good folks at Digiorno, if that is their real name (it isn’t.  They are distributed by Kraft foods.  The same fine establishment that brings you Jacks) have decided to tout a business model of, “Well, it’s about as good as you can possibly get in a frozen pizza next to delivery.”  So much so, in fact, that their commercials feature would-be-date-rapists posing as pizza delivery men with the intent of breaking into parties filled with hot chicks and people cooler than them by passing Digiorno off as delivery.

This is a boastful claim because Papa Murphy’s (or, the OTHER Papa’s Pizza) of course boasts frozen pizzas that they claim are also as good as delivery.  Of course, unlike Digiorno, Papa Murphy’s business model is completely retarded.  Because unlike Digiorno, Papa Murphy’s makes you come to their own brick-and-mortar store, and then charges you 40% more.  Seriously.  Retarded.

But, moving on, I don’t know how many of you have had Digiorno before, but I thought it would be good to adjudicate their claim.  Keep Kraft Foods honest.  Stick it to the man.  And so on.

So, when you first taste Digiorno (I’m eating Rising Crust Italian Sausage, by the way) the first thing is— “Wow, that’s actually pretty tasty.  How do they do that?”   Well.  I’ll tell you.  The sodium content is 960mg of Sodium for 1/6 of a pizza.  Just how much is that?  Well Jack’s pizza (which is crappy, very salty pizza) has only 580 for 1/6.  And this isn’t ordinary Jacks– that’s for the Jacks rising crust.  That’s a lot of salt.  Still want to compare?  Totino’s (General Mills) Sausage Party Pizza has only 1600 in the WHOLE THING.  Far less.

What does sodium do to you?  I’m not a doctor folks.  Ask someone who knows shit.  But, I can tell you, too much of anything is always bad.  And that’s a lot of salt.

The Calories?  2100 to Totino’s 720.  Let me say that again….2100……to 720.  If someone were to ask you, “God, what’s a terrible thing for kid’s to eat?”  Totino’s comes to mind.  Every time I see a Pizza Rolls commercial I’m like, “How did I eat that crap?”
Apparently because it was the key to my once trim figure.  And Digiorno was the Kryptonite.  Two Totino’s pizzas was still less than one Digiorno; in fact, apparently three was damn close.

The taste isn’t that much better folks— there’s more cheese, the crust is thicker than Jack’s or Totino’s, but it’s still frozen pizza.  And it sure isn’t delivery.

But, how does Digiorno do against it’s delivery counterparts?  Well, you can tell it’s going to be bad, because Pizza Hut’s website starts off with this self-serving piece of editorialism:

Pizza can be part of a well-balanced meal. Ingredients in our pizzas include protein, complex carbohydrates, vitamin A and calcium. And, depending on the toppings you choose, our pizzas have items from all of the four major food groups – meat, dairy, fruits and vegetables, and grains! So take a closer look within our menu for suggestions when counting calories and fat grams.

Translation:  Um, Yeah, dude.  This is bad for you.  So use your head.  But how bad is it?

NOT AS BAD AS DIGIORNO.  Digiorno is 2100 remember, a medium italian sausage at Pizza Hut is only 1920.  Ho-ly shit.  Similar overall, but edges out Digiorno in just about every category.

Aaaaaand…I’ve heard enough.  Time to review:

Value:  F.  Jack’s and Totino’s are much much much cheaper and evidently, slightly better for you.  Who knew?

Taste:  Compared to delivery- D, compared to frozen pizza- A.  It is much better than Frozen pizza in general, I must say.  But don’t even try to enter consideration with pizza fresh from a real pizzeria oven.  Just…save your dignity.  Your slogan should be, “Of course it’s not delivery, Jackass.  It’s Digiorno.  What are you, blind?”

Overall:  D.  Why am I not surprised that the same company who is able to bring us Velveeta (the pasteurized prepared cheese product) was able to somehow make a frozen pizza with hardly any toppings on it worse for you than Pizza Hut?  I’m glad I didn’t have a beer with it.  I’d be having like a 1500 calorie dinner.

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  2. ray parsons says:

    Dispense with the obscenities, at least while discussing food!

  3. Jesse says:

    Wow Chris, that’s pretty disgusting!

  4. Melanie says:

    I’m so shocked. I thought you loved Digorinio.

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